T Town Tommy

Monday Morning Humor - The Three Stooges

http://deesillustration.com/

Monday Morning Humor - A Selena Tribute From A BIG Fan

A Selena fan shows some big love to the deceased singer!

Hat tip to Perez Hilton

Monday Morning Humor - Michael Stipe Press Announcement

Monday Morning Humor Late Edition - Betty Butterfield on Election 2008

Here is some drag queen logic applied to the 2008 Presidential Election

Monday Morning Humor - Groan

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken!

Monday Morning Humor - Hillary Jogging

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland. Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."

Monday Morning Humor - Excuses for Not Showing Up at Work Today

For those of you who are not working for the government, here are some excuses to leave on your bosses voice mail for being late or a no show today.

• If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

• My stigmata's acting up.

• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Pyramid.

• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

• I am extremely sensitive to a dump in the stock market.

• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

• I prefer to remain an enigma.

From Inspired Inside.com

Monday Morning Humor - Answered Prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  A lady stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." 

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely. All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, once again, the word is STERNUM!"

Monday Morning Humor - A Sign of the Times

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Monday Morning Humor - The Scots and Bono

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

Ah, I love my Scottish Ancestors and Family.....

Monday Morning Humor – Banana Torture

This should be covered under the Geneva Convention…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This week in Calcutta, India:

An Indian suspect was forced by police to eat 50 bananas as a laxative, to retrieve a necklace he was accused of stealing and swallowing. When the bananas failed to produce the desired effect, police fed Sheikh Mohsin rice, chicken and local bread. Finally the necklace, which appeared on an X-ray taken on the suspect, was excreted and retrieved.

Mr Mohsin will appear in court on Monday in the eastern city of Calcutta, and could face a prison sentence. Police say he snatched a gold necklace worth £550 ($1,100) from a woman as she shopped for toys on Saturday. When cornered by police, he swallowed the necklace.

The suspect was fed 50 bananas on doctor's advice, after the X-ray dealt a blow to his denials. But only after a further meal did he yield the necklace, Calcutta police deputy commissioner Gyanwant Singh told AFP news agency.

A sweeper was paid to retrieve the exhibit from the toilet. Mr Mohsin was asked to wash it.

BBC South Asia

Monday Morning Humor - Colbert / Craig in 08'?

Comedian Stephen Colbert insisted on Sunday that his ambition to run for president was no joke -- then joked he would consider disgraced Republican Sen. Larry Craig as a vice presidential running mate. -Sydney Morning Herald

My Ode To Our Digestive System

Now that I have two thirds of the hospital stays to correct my digestive system behind me, I feel some type of tribute to that often neglected part of our body is in order.The average human farts twelve times a day...

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,                   
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.                   
 
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,                   
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
 
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......                 
 
A fart can create
A most curious medley,                   
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.                   
 
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......                   
 
A fart can occur
In a number of places,                   
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
 
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.                   
 
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true.
We must never forget.......
Sweet farts like you!

Monday Morning Humor – If Men Were Allowed to Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and
the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of
the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high- heel shoes, and he
was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked
him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope
this helps.

Walter

Monday Morning Humor - Early Morning with David Letterman

Monday Morning Humor - Don't Take Men to Wal Mart

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men: He found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out of the store as soon as possible. Also unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women: She loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.   July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of   funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled, "Pick me! Pick me!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and   screamed, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"

And last, but not least,

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Monday Morning Humor – Hospital Humor

Still in the hospital, thought this would be appropriate considering my conundrum.

TO: Medical Personnel

FROM: Human Resource

 

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

 

Sincerely,

Directory of Human Resource

Monday Morning Humor - Kathy Griffin on Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter's name came up a couple of times during this last Sunday morning's TV viewing and I can't think of anyone better than Kathy Griffin to give us a refresher on her. Read my review of the Tulsa Kathy Griffin concert and get ticket and tour info for her live show.

Monday Morning Humor - Morning Yoga

Grimms Ugly Pictures

I'm at a loss for words on this one....

Monday Morning Humor - California History

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850 in California?

California was preparing to become a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breast and the men didn't hold hands...

Monday Morning Humor - Strange Law

A judge known for giving unusual sentences has ordered three men who pleaded guilty to soliciting sex to take turns dressing in a bright yellow chicken costume.

Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti agreed to suspend a 30-day jail sentence if they wear the costume between 4 and 7 p.m. Friday outside the court while carrying a sign that reads "No Chicken Ranch in Painesville."

Rest of the Story with AP

Monday Morning Humor – Some East Texas Stories

After being in East Texas this month I thought these stories from the area where fitting after a week living in their culture.

The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earnings."
You got to love those Longhorn women.

A group of Jefferson friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind, He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

A professor at Baylor was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas. When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas, because everything happens in East Texas 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Gilmer who went to Texas A & M came running into the store and said to his buddy "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was"? The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

NEWS FLASH! -Bryan/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

A Texas State trooper from Marshall pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in Tyler had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked,"But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

Kathy Griffin Pulls into T Town

Kathy Griffin, star of Bravo's My Life on the D-List, performed to a sold out show Saturday night at the Tulsa Brady Theater bringing the inside scoop of celebrity life and the stars who keep us tuned in daily. No celebrity was safe from the stories and comments Kathy shared from her appearance on Larry King Live and Oprah to spending a few hours with Paris Hilton one on one.  Kathy admitted that Tulsa was her first visit to Oklahoma during the opening of her show and commented on Hideaway Pizza and discovering that Ranch Dressing goes well with pizza, calling it "Hillbilly Ketchup".  Also in part of her ongoing dialog regarding Clay Aiken, Kathy commented on the incident involving the singer's bare feet being on the lap of an airline passenger and the fight that erupted on the plane in Tulsa. Ironically Kathy pointed out; she was performing on the same stage Aiken sung on a few weeks before at the Brady.

Many of the stories and commentary that where part of Kathy's stand-up tour set came from jokes from her Emmy nominated show My Life on the D-List but she did manage to bring freshness to her live stand-up act. Staying probably a bit more up to speed on the event in Hollywood than some in the crowd Kathy staged a hilarious no holds barred rant about Lindsay Lohan's arrest last week and Paula Abdul's new reality show Hey Paula also on the Bravo Network.

Every comic like an actor on stage has his or her own style and Kathy's stage presence is like Whoopi Goldberg in that it was a conversation with the crowd.  One could suppose that seeing someone for a few years on a screen and then finally seeing the character in person can throw people off. However with her act and quickly connecting with the crowd she was able to get people to start listening to her and begin her monologues. Kathy took an interesting poll of the audience at the start of the show by seeing how many where gay, straight, military, women and who where those few unfortunate husbands dragged to the concert by their wives.

Not surprisingly the crowd was about 70 percent gay and provided a show unto itself. You can't have a fun show without a fun audience who are up on the latest celebrity news, in Griffin's case, and the younger and gay crowd delivered in spades. For Tulsa it was a mini Gay Pride event with the amount of Tulsa's gay society A, B and some cases D-listers in attendance. Many people I had not seen in years and happily almost all looked polished, cleaned up and enjoying summer with plenty of smiles and good vibes to go around. Everyone in the know noticed the row of queens that disappeared halfway through Kathy's set for twenty minutes to go "powder their noses" much to pitied amusement of some since this troupe has been doing the same thing since the early 90's. Also the almost traditional smell of pot wafting through the air out of the men's bathroom added to the concert experience of attending a show at the "Old Lady on Brady".

Overall the show was a success and a fun way to hear firsthand the exploits of Kathy and the celebrities she has encountered during her career in the entertainment industry. Experiencing such a large gay turnout added to the vibe of cracking up at the stupidity and ridiculousness of Hollywood. Everyone was connecting in an almost group dialog with the Lady in the Know of all things D-List. For anyone who is a follower of her show, addicted to TMZ or wants a firsthand experience of gay and pop culture hilarity at its best don't miss out on Kathy Griffin's live tour.

Monday Morning Humor - Dr. Seuss and Congress

Dr. Seuss political commentary from the early 1940's, somethings never change...

Monday Morning Humor - Polands War on Terror

Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered.

Reuters