Becoming My Parent’s Parent

Ok so that's not my parents, in reality the Cleavers where nowhere close to resembling anyone's family. Studies have suggested that almost 85% of all families can be considered dysfunctional in some way. A far cry from the homogonous sappy life on "Leave it to Beaver". I guess one takes some comfort in knowing you're not alone in having a fucked up family. It's up to us once we become adults how we deal with our parents and mold the next generation. Hopefully it's in a healthier manner. Whether we accept the mistakes, character flaws and sometimes horrible decisions our parents made from an adult perspective or harbor resentments in many ways defines who we are today, whether we want to admit it or not.

I left home in Texas shortly after my Mother passed away from cancer when I was 15 years old. My father was never well equipped to be a parent so I was given a choice of going to an orphanage or going to live with my Grandparents in Oklahoma and support myself. I harbored a lot of hurt and resentment over the years of having my family scattered and being forced to become an adult over night at such a young age. I saw my Father only once in the following decade, during an awards ceremony where I was getting a medal and he could be a proud parent.

However a lot changed in my mid 20's and I came to see my Father as a person flaws and all and not an authority figure. My friends and cousins where all having children and becoming parents and for a change I was one of the authority figures. Now enough years have passed that my Father's health has taken a turn for the worse. Decades of chain smoking, a poor diet, lack of exercise and bad health choices have left him almost bed ridden at age 70. He had his appendix burst at home and underwent emergency surgery about six weeks ago. It's a medical miracle he survived and after a two week stay in the hospital he was moved to a nursing home for physical therapy. However he cannot walk more than 100 feet before he tires and must rest.

Most of his family lives in East Texas and he is in good hands but this week he has asked to come to Oklahoma to live with my partner and me and have physical therapy in the home. I work from home so I am there most of the day and he knows this after several visits. Members of my family have taken over various roles in his life from carrying for his place, to paying his bills, doctor's appointments and moral support. I would be taking on all of these roles and basically becoming my parent's parent. I find myself on the fence if I want him up here or not and I don't think it's for selfish reasons.

My partner and I cared for my Grandmother till she passed away about three years ago at age 85. It was a real challenge for the both of us. While we gained many rewards from having my Grandmother in our lives having to put those lives on hold for everyday care was a large burden. Am I just being fucked up and in the 85% again for not wanting to have to care for my Father now or just being realistic on what I want for myself and my partner? Medical science has done a good job of rushing ahead to treat the bad health decisions of our parents and extend their lives. However medicine has lagged behind at extending their quality of life. This leaves millions of families in the same situation I am in now. For right now I am tabling such a huge decision until I get through the busiest time of year for my shop. Next week I am planning a trip back to Texas and see what is happening and visit with family.

What have been your experiences? Between now and then let me hear from you and get your input.

Comments

[Erik Rubright]

I wonder if the decision you are currently facing is one of the hardest decision anyone has to make. I know in some cultures and time periods, taking care of one's parents was a "given". Things have changed in our generation--probably due to increased longevity--and now it is a decision we must face.

My mom spent the last few years taking care of both her mother and father and my father's mother. She says she wouldn't wish that on any of her children. She did in-home care of her mother until she physically could no longer do it and had to put her in a nursing home. Her father went into the same home at around the same time as he was physically and mentally unable to take care of himself. Then dad's mom went into another home following a series of strokes that left her mentally incapacitated.

Each eventually secumbed to their related-illnesses, all within a few months of each other. That has been two years now, and my mom still has not recovered.

I don't know what to tell you Tommy, other than think about it and talk it over with your partner AND your local group of friends. They will all be your "support group" during that time of care if you choose to do so.

-Hugs.

[Incurable Insomniac]

I took care of both of my parents in their turn, which took 13 years out of my life and destroyed my own health. My mother was by far the most difficult as we had a strained relationship. My honest take? Unless it's what you really want to do, don't do it.

It's more than taking care of them, it's lack of privacy, unresolved issues that always arise, no free time, interrupted sleep, no vacations, no weekend trips, doctor appointments, physical therapy, laundry, Depends, etc.

But whatever you decide, all my best thoughts go to you.